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At communion you go back for seconds
At communion you go back for seconds. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment. You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank. Long distance companies don't call you to switch. You give blood everyday.. just for the orange juice. McDonald's is the supplier of all your kitchen condiments. American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!" Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant. You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.
Jew takes a picture of Lenin
A Jew takes a picture of Lenin to Israel. At the Soviet border he says that it is a picture of Lenin. At the Israeli border he says that it is a gold picture frame
Simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil Show
By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil Show, I have finally found inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished; and, before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bottle of Baileys, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreo's, a pot of coffee, the rest of the Cheesecake, some Saltines and a box of Godiva Chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel.
When I die
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep - not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
When sign makers go on strike
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs? When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away? Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? Why do they report power outages on TV? What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant? Is it possible to be totally partial? What's another word for thesaurus? If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
An entry in the Bad Writing Contest at
An entry in the Bad Writing Contest at San Jose State As she fell face down into the black muck of the mud-wrestling pit, her sweaty 300-pound opponent muttering soft curses in Latin on top of her, Sister Marie thought, "There is no doubt about it; the Pope has betrayed me."